Overspecific

I had written an entry for the last week about my pleasant trip from Massachusetts and it‘s miles of lush green forests, through the White Mountains in Hampshire surrounded by Jagged Landscapes and deep crystal clear lakes created by Glaciers a million years ago topped off with cotton wool-like clouds, empty roads where I didn’t see a fellow Human being for nearly 3 days, A deserted country border where I entered into the great expanse of the Quebec wilderness and camped by Lac St Francois with only the local wildlife to keep me company and how I had entered Quebec and after a little hitch, I’d met up with my friend Lissia who took me around this wonderfully preserved, walled City with some great examples of Gothic architecture.

I’d eaten wonderful food and I’d been amazed at the Supermarkets and the contrast between the two Countries that sit side by side on this vast continent. But why, I asked myself, would you want to hear about all of this when I know full well, people don’t want to hear about the ‘nice’ time you had - The fact is, the stories we always go on to tell our family and friends are the stories where something disastrous or unthinkable has happened to you. What I’m trying to get at here is that on the evening of 31st May, something bad did happen.

Lissia had gone to work and left me with the keys to her apartment after very kindly taking me around the City and even insisting on buying me lunch. To repay her, I’d bought her some Dahlia’s for her Balcony, done her washing up, bought her some chocolate and re-stocked her fridge with her favourite alcoholic drink. I was pleased with myself as I thought that I’d been a perfect house guest.

Lissia has a Cat called Soya who I was pleased had taken a fancy to me and we were getting along fine. The first day I had been worried about letting her go on the balcony in case she escaped or fell as she was a well trained house cat but Lissia had reassured me that she would be fine as she never leaves the balcony (it’s on the ground floor so it’s not like she could have fallen and hurt herself, not that cats have ever fallen and hurt themselves, they are far too resourceful and resilient for this to ever happen). So, on the second night I allowed Soya to sit on the balcony as she clearly enjoyed keeping an eye on the sparrows that would make kamikaze flights across the front of the balcony, dangerously close to Soya‘s outreached claws. I’d sat down after finishing the Washing up and I’d been watching a DVD when I noticed that Soya was playing with something outside on the balcony whilst occasionaly glancing up at me. I stepped out and Soya presented me with her gift of a dying sparrow as if to say “This is for you, I hope you like it and now realise what a clever cat I am”. I was, in a strange way really touched by this cat gift but I scolded the Cat and then realised that the bird was still moving and spluttering out weak, dying chirps. I shepherded Soya back into the flat and I had to then do the only humane thing you can do in these situations and so I picked up the bird, said “I’m really, really sorry” and I broke the birds neck so that it would no longer feel pain. I then put the bird in a plastic bag, looked at Soya and said “Now look what you’ve made me do” and I then took the ex-sparrow to the bins across the road and laid it to rest. When I came back Soya, who had obviously been sitting on the balcony watching me ungratefully disposing of her present walked back in, looked down her nose at me as if to say “fine” and walked into Lissia’s bedroom. What I didn’t realise was that the look she had given me didn’t mean “fine”, it meant “I’ll teach you to be ungrateful, you little human shit”. Another couple of hours passed, I’d watched the DVD, written up my journal of scenic landscapes and the tranquillity I had experienced in the last week and awaited Lissia’s return from work so I could regale her with the funny thing Soya had done. I really wish the ‘funny story’ I’m telling had ended there.
Lissia came home and said “Where did that plant come from?” to which I replied nonchalantly “Oh, I have no idea” with a wry smile on my face, she sat down and I gave her my synopsis of the DVD I had watched when she suddenly stood up whilst I was in the middle of my beautiful soliloquy and said “Where is my cat?” I replied “Oh I think she’s in your room”. She shouted “Soya!” but the cat didn’t come. This was because the Cat wasn’t in her room, in fact she wasn’t in the flat at all. My heart jumped up and got jammed in my oesophagus as Lissia jumped over the balcony in one swift movement and started looking outside shouting “Soya! Soya!”. I knew straight away then that this cat had done something unprecedented and left the safe confines of the flat and balcony for the first time. I followed Lissia and jumped over the balcony in not such a swift movement and also started shouting “Soya! Soya!” with a tone that equalled Lissia’s nervousness. “Has she never done this before?” I say with a small hope in my mind that she had and that she’ll come bounding round the corner any second. “No, she never leaves the balcony” replies Lissia with a worried tone.
Anyway, we both start searching the area, Lissia heads north and I head South, both Shouting “Soya!” as we both nervously look round other ground floor balconies. I head down to the main road and start shouting the cat’s name adding “Please Soya, I’m sorry! Please come back” before I realise that the Cat is French and will not understand what I’m saying which maybe, in some way, caused her to run away. Maybe she misheard me when I said “Now look what you made me do” and she thought I’d said something much more derogatory like “I hate you but not as much as Lissia does, you should go now and do everyone a favour”. I’m walking around in darkness now shouting “Soya! Salut! Je tres desolee!!, Je suis en imbecile!”. Neighbouring Apartment lights are coming on and now I’m think that I will have to explain this to the neighbours in my broken French. “Es que vous regarde a la Chat?” which would roughly translate as “have you looked at a Cat?”. They would think i`m a madman and they`d ring the police for sure.
This has suddenly turned into a horrendously unfunny scene from a Ben Stiller movie, not that I’ve been able to watch a Ben Stiller movie because I always have my hands over my eyes while thinking ‘how can anyone watch this and find it funny?’. I’m now walking slowly up the road, thinking that I can’t go back without Soya and also thinking that I will probably be sleeping in the van tonight now and moving on to Montreal a day early, never to see my friend Lissia again but leaving her with an everlasting memory of myself and what I had done to her precious cat.
What I didn’t know, due to being sick with worry and guilt was that Lissia had found Soya on someone else’s balcony and had now had to turn her attentions to finding me and so was now walking round the neighbourhood shouting “Glenn! Glenn!” I eventually walked back up her street and heard her say “Glenn! It’s ok, come back! I have found her!”. I can’t remember the last time I felt so relieved and I dropped to floor with exhaustion and happiness before looking up at the skies and whispering “I think I owe you one, although why do this to me in the first place?”. Lissia said it was ok as I hugged her and told her how sorry I was but she reassured me and said it wasn’t my fault as Soya had never done anything like this before.
In the blind panic, Lissia had also rung her father who was on his way over to help with the search, not knowing that we had managed to find her. He arrived in his very cool smart car, came up to me and said, “It’s ok, I understand.. I have lost her before... twice!” and gave me a hug.

Everything is all right with the world once again. Je t'aime Quebec.

p.s. there are now pictures of New Hampshire on the "Look" page...

a bientôt!

Well, it's actually been over a week since my last blog.. I've been all over the place and i've been ridiculously busy.

I left Quebec City on the Morning of 2nd June and headed for Montreal to pick up Danielle at the airport with a full 10 minutes to spare! Not to mention that I wasn't sure on which airport i was picking her up from.
We stayed in Montreal for 3 days at a fantastic guesthouse run by an old lady called Madelaine who was slightly insane, but gave us free beer and cooked a different fresh breakfast every morning.. The website we booked it through had fantastic reviews of her guesthouse, her bubbly personality and her cooking and she was blissfully unaware of this so we had to show her how to find her reviews and she was overjoyed to read such great comments from people all over the world. I thought she might cry at one point.. She now knows where to look so we are now under orders to give her a glowing review. So, if you ever go to Montreal, You have to stay at Madelaine's. My friend's Lissia and Yael also did a good job of showing us the best of Montreal, even if they did tease me for killing a helpless bird and losing a cat. The Olympic park was very intresting. The '72 Montreal Olympics was racked with problems and the Stadium has had to have many repairs. It has a moveable roof, which, they were only able to open once. It now stays shut for fear of collapse. The Velodrome is now a biodome; basically this means it's a bit of an indoor zoo with animals such as monkeys, penguins and otters living there.. This is one way that helps pay off the huge mountain of debt that the Olympics created for this Canadian city. Its also worth noting that the City is still paying large taxes to clear the debt. Not that I want cast doubt on the London Olympics in 2012, I just feel that I have to. Lord Sebastian Coe, if you are reading this blog which I sincerely hope you are. Hurry up and get that stadium built and keep it simple. Also, do something about the new logo. I'm not alone in saying that it's chuffing awful. We're not short in having good graphic designers in this country so why pick something that uninspiring and unoriginal? Actually, i'd quite like to know what my eldest brother would come up with in photoshop (that's a challenge there for you Steve).

After Montreal, we spent one night in the complete wilderness in the pouring rain. I managed to cook a two course meal in it which i'm quite proud of.
We then travelled to down to Ottawa, spent a few days camped just outside and then headed down to the Toronto area for 3 days. I really liked Ottawa but felt that Toronto could have been anywhere in the World. It was nice, but lacked character that Ottawa, Quebec City and Montreal had in bucket loads.

I'm now sitting in a Shopping centre writing this with an incredibly annoying screaming kid running around my table.. I'm so very, very tempted to stick my leg out but i know that's bad and I'm on Holiday so I shouldn't have these evil thoughts.

Ok.. here's some comments, observations and points that i've come up with. I should have some strong British opinions now, since i've been here for nearly a Month.

1) Dunkin’ Donuts is very VERY popular and I don’t really understand why.. Their sickly, sweet smell is too overpowering for me.. In America, you are always 5 minutes away from a dunkin’ donuts. Just like in East London, you are always just 5 minutes away from a Shoreditch twat.

2) Subway is also very popular. I had one, and I asked for a bit of Honey and Mustard dressing, which must translate as ’drench the sodding sandwich’. I couldn’t get rid of the taste from my mouth for the rest of the day.

3) No matter how sunny and bright the day is, everyone still drives with their headlights on.

4) It’s quite easy to drive out here apart from the idiots who indicate after they have pulled out in front of you (People don't like giving way but they do like cutting you up) and the fact that Road signs only appear right on road junctions, If you don’t know the roads, you will miss the turning. I don’t know the roads and I miss many a turning.

5) Cartographers: it’s of the utmost importance that when making a map, you get the road numbers correct. We have found at our (fuel and Mileage) cost that the expensive map I bought has been wrong on numerous occasions leaving us stressed and shaking our heads. I’ve only encountered this problem since I’ve been in Canada so I can only conclude that the American Cartographers purposefully get Canada wrong so tourists come back south of the border or they’ve just not done their research properly.
On the Outskirts of Ottawa, there is a town called Chelsea. This is, of course according to our map. After driving round looking for our campsite for hours, we realised that, after seeing 22 signs confirming this town to be Chelsea that it is actually the name of a Province and not the name of a single town. On our Map, it only exists as one small town.

6) I don’t like the fact that the State you are from is on your Licence plate. People will look at our Licence plate and see that it says ‘New Jersey’ and then give us a good stern stare. I’m thinking about putting up a sign on the Dashboard that says “It’s OK! We’re British Tourists”. As on one occasion we pulled up to a campsite and the guy looked at our Licence plate, gave us a pretty dirty look and said “We’re closed, come back tomorrow”. I sighed and replied “I don’t believe it! We’ve been looking for this place for Hours!” “Sorry we’re closed” came back the reply before adding “Where are you from? New Jersey?” to which I replied “No, England, We just rented the Van in New Jersey”
The dirty look then disappeared and he said “Oh, well you can just park here for the night, there’s washrooms here you can use and there’s a restaurant up the road too. Just register in the morning but you can stay here for free tonight” and then he gives me a huge friendly smile.

On another occasion, A guy from New Jersey helped me out while I was trying to park the van in a small space and said he was only helping me because of my License plate. I offered him my thanks and his friendly demeanour disappeared as he then realised I wasn’t from New Jersey. This look of horror crossed his face.. He’d been outwardly racist to me and on top of that he’d been tricked by a foreigner.

7) Racoons are not dangerous or a nuisance.. They are just very, very cheeky. Two nights in a row, After dinner, Dani and I have been sitting outside, looking up in to the clear starry night, surrounded by Fireflies dancing in the light of our campfire when we’ve suddenly realised that Racoons have crept up on us and are sitting next to us trying to steal our rubbish. They don’t appear to be scared of us either, Unless, if like Danielle, you stand on the table and shout “Racoon!!” and start clapping your hands in a frantic way.
The song “Rocky Racoon” by the Beatles really is a perfect fanfare for them and I am convinced that if I played it for them, they would stand up on their hind legs and dance in a cheeky Racoon way. With a little training, they could also be taught to wear little Top Hats and carry canes which would make them look very debonair indeed.

8) Small talk can be very, very Small. While talking to some people from Massachusetts who had invited me over to their campsite for the night I realised that they would ask me a question or make a simple small talk gesture (lovely weather today, there might be a storm tomorrow) but they don’t necessarily want you to reply or they’re not bothered to hear your answer. This is a problem for myself as, not being very good at Smalltalk and preferring long debates about the state of the world, I found myself getting very confused exasperated looks from the people I’ve been chatting too as I’ve tried to engage them in meaningful conversation about our differing cultures. I’ve found that I had to start just nodding my head or saying “You’re right there, Don” and then taking a swig of beer while rubbing my chin. I might add here that Canadian people are very, very different.

9) People like going camping with all their creature comforts. Mobile Homes really are mobile homes complete with Satellite TV, DVD’s, kitchen’s, toilets, Air conditioning, separate bedrooms and probably maids too. They even put signs outside declaring it their property and also their Dog’s. Everyone puts a sign outside, saying something along the lines of “Jeff, Lynn’s and Lucky’s Home”. No doubt they’d also shoot trespassers on site. I wonder if the 5th amendment applies to mobile homes?
Is there actually any point to camping or going on Holiday if you aren’t really going to come outside once you get there? You’ve got to breathe in the Country air, sit round a fire, get stung by mosquitoes and cook food in the pouring rain or there really is no point to it, right?

10) Some supermarkets do not sell beer or any alcohol at all. In fact, you really do need a car to get around to most places here because most shops are on main roads out of town. Canada has some great supermarkets with really good fresh produce but some, to my horror have no beer in them. I’ve been in Canada for 2 weeks and not found somewhere near a supermarket that sells Whiskey. I’m don’t drink a lot of spirits but I’ve been wanting to brew some tea on a campfire and have a shot of whiskey in it before bedtime whilst I’m here and I’ve yet to fulfil this small dream because after being to a supermarket and not finding a small bottle of whiskey, I can’t be bothered to drive up and down main roads trying to find a separate liquor store. Although they do have places called beer stores which are just giant fridges with lots of interesting regional beers which are well worth sampling. Even more odd is that I’ve been in petrol stations that sell beer. This reminds me of a time when in 1995 we played a gig with an American band at the Woodlands tavern in Gillingham and they asked as the question “Do they sell, like liquor in Gas stations?” which we found hilarious (for obvious reasons) at the time.

11) Silliest Restaurant Name so far has to be "Crabby Joe's" - Would you want to eat there?

12) Silliest Comment said to me: "So errrrr, London must have 2 million people living there by now?"

14) There are very few floor 13's in the States. They go 12 to 14.. (have you noticed what i've done here?)

Photos of Quebec and Ontario to follow on the 'look' page but probably not today as i'm getting funny looks from the coffee shop owner as i think they've worked out that it's me taking up all their bandwidth.

Cheerio.

I’m now in South Dakota after spending 10 hours on the road from Chicago yesterday passing through Illinois, Wisconsin and Minnesota on the way. I passed through hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of miles of Farmland. The only interludes were the odd service station or truck depot. Interstate 90 is a long, long road but also fairly bumpy. The exciting moments were when the driving Surface changed from really bumpy, bumpy, smooth and then bumpy again but the scenery should start to be a little more exciting now I’m through into the great plains and only a few hundred miles away from the Badlands. It’s hard to imagine what the Midwest was like before Agriculture changed the face of the land forever.
I'm now sitting in 'Taco Johns' which is in a service station on Interstate 90 and i've had to endure eating a horrible eggy breakfast burrito so I could use their free Wi-Fi.

Anyway. Time for the Highlights and lowlights of the past week.

1) Niagara Falls - The falls are breathtaking and so is the Town and the Tourists for all the wrong reasons. Imagine Blackpool and then Multiply it by a thousand and then you are getting close. Tat, Tat, and more Tat. Lots of large, overbearing, garish sideshows and amusements along the lines of Ripley’s believe it or not, Haunted Houses and probably best not to mention the Souvenir shops. On the other hand, it is a great place to people-watch. In the words of someone else I dislike “They should build a bypass over the whole lot”.

2) Knights Park ’Award’ Winning Campsite
I’m sticking to State run parks as much as possible from now on. This private site boasted all types of things including state of the art recreational facilities, New Comfort Stations (that’s showers and toilets in English) and fully working Wi-Fi Internet connection.
The truth was that it was a complete flea pit, a glorified ‘Pow white trailer trash site to vaguely quote Maya Angelou - We didn’t use the showers for fear of catching Lyme disease and the BBQ/Fireplace was just a bit of Mud piled up on the floor.
The Wi-Fi was the funniest bit. It was the first thing I enquired about when I got there and the Manager said “Oh, well.. To be honest you will need the most modern equipment to connect to it”. I said “Oh, that should be fine, my laptop is brand new and I’ve not had any problems so far”. After we set up camp, I got my Laptop out and found the network and when I connected, it asked me for the security password which the manager hadn’t given me because she was adamant that my Laptop wouldn’t be state of the art enough. I traipsed back to her office and asked her for the Security password to which she replied “Oh, I’m sorry. If it asks you for a Security Password then it can’t be working or turned on for that matter”
“That’s funny” I said in a slightly cynical manner “It’s telling me that there is good reception and in fact it appears that you have two fully working networks”
“Oh no, you’re completely wrong.. They’re both turned off as they aren’t working.. I’m so sorry.. Take care” She then turned back to her paperwork which she pretended to look at and shuffle about, completely ignoring me until I walked out of the office.
This didn’t deter me and so I went back to my laptop and on my third attempt, I worked out the Security Password.. No, it wasn’t ‘Password’… it was ‘12345’… I connected and found that they had deliberately removed Internet privileges from the Wi-Fi network.. I found the Admin computer on the network but alas, couldn’t get access..
Anyway, The nub of the matter is Knights Park is rubbish and I shall be writing to the camping magazine which we saw the advert in to do the very British thing of complaining.

3) No Mounties
That’s right.. We were in Canada for two weeks and we didn’t see a single Mountie. But was their Mountie Merchandise? - You can bet your bottom Canadian Dollar.

4) Crossing the US/Canada Border
The First US border guard was jovial and friendly and gave as complete false sense of security as came up to the office to sort out Danielle’s Visa.
We pulled up and a Border guard ordered me to leave the keys in the vehicle and take only our passport into the office. Which we did.
The short version of this story is that Danielle should have been issued a visa when she changed at JFK to fly to Montreal but there wasn’t one in the Passport where it should have been. We had an hour of being Patronised by 3 guards and having to have our Passport checked by each one and the same questions asked over and over again while they rolled their eyes at us. It so funny how they can be complete arseholes why calling me ‘Sir’ the whole time.. I did the same thing with them by substituting ‘Sir’ for ‘Officer’. - Try it! It’s funny and there’s nothing they can do because you are being polite.. Right? - Seriously though, I wouldn’t be surprised if their manager took them into his office every morning, rammed a huge wooden stick with splinters up their nether regions and then said “right boys, give ‘em hell” and sent them out to the front desk.
They also don’t understand the concept of proper travelling, rolling their eyes and saying “I don’t understand these people who come to the United States and have no idea where they are going to stay”
I tried to understand that it was to create that great sense of freedom.. Very ironic for the land of the Free…

5) Detroit
We drove over the bridge listening to ’cloud 9’ by The Temptations with Detroit shining in the distance. It was a great way to arrive. Apart from the hour at customs.
Detroit has such a rich heritage of music and culture. It has some great buildings and the people are very friendly; They smiled, said “Hey!” and waved when we wander past.
Why oh why has their government let them down so much by letting this amazing place go to rack and ruin? The roads hadn’t been repaired in years and it was a bumpy ride into the City Centre. Some amazing skyscrapers and buildings were falling apart and not being preserved like they should be.
It’s easy to drive in Detroit but hard if you don’t know where you are going as the area is pretty devoid of any helpful road signs.
After a drive around though we eventually found the Motown Museum which is a total and complete must if you are in this neck of the woods. The studios and Berry Gordy’s Flat are well preserved complete with the original instruments lying around and the huge reel to reel recording suites. The tour guides were also excellent, very knowledgeable and very funny too. It was amazing to think of all the stars that had recorded in this converted house. Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, Diana Ross, the Temptations to name but a few, and of course the Funk brothers who, along with Gordy and Smokey Robinson, really helped create the sound that we associate with Motown (They were the backing band on about 99% of all the songs on the label).

6) Sand Dunes on the Shores of Lake Michigan
This was quite unexpected. We arrived at our Campsite and went for a walk and were confronted by this Tall sandune about 100 metres tall called Mount Randal. It was so steep it took us about 20 minutes to climb on our hands and k nees. We got to the top and the Dunes continued for another mile down to Lake Michigan. It was a tiring walk there and back but we managed it and we also got the fun part at the end which was running down Mount Randal at full speed, taking us only 10 seconds to do.

7) Chicago
We arrived in Chicago bumper to bumper with hundreds of trucks and it took us a while to find a parking space. Slightly stressful but it was well worth the hassle. I loved Chicago.. I’d nearly go as far as saying that I liked it as much as New York. It wasn’t as big but that’s what I liked. You are surrounded by towering old Skyscrapers and you can walk around the whole lot in a day. The people are much more laid back than in New York too. I wasn’t too fussed by the Sears Tower though. I know it was the tallest building in the world up until 1997 but it’s so boring to look at compared to all the other fantastic works of art that are all around you.
We also got the Skywalk out of the City and wandered around the Gold City and Old town which is so far, the only place in the USA where I thought “I could live here”.
The Chicago institute of Art was great too. A ridiculously huge collection of impressionist artwork which is something I‘m very fond of. Monet’s, Renoir’s, Gauguin’s, Cezanne’s, etc etc, etc..
The abstract and surrealist sections were also excellent. I still think Matisse is rubbish though… - Sorry.. I was so tired when we left because of the amount of artwork you have to fit in, in such a short time. Again, for me the collection of Monet’s is worth seeing on their own.

8) Danielle locking the Keys in the Van
We arrived back from a great day in Chicago. We were both writing our journals on the bench outside the van when I thought I’d go and get a jumper as it was getting a bit nippy (weather and insects). The van was locked so I shouted “Can you throw me the keys?”, Danielle replied back “They’re in the van”.
I ran round the van about three times checking every door and pulling harder at each one every time I tried it. “It’s locked!” I squeek. I run round the Van again and start shaking the van as if this is going to actually help me get the door open.
Danielle offers some comforting words like “It’s not my fault!” and “Shall I go and ask our neighbours if they know how to break into cars? - They do have bikes.” translating as, “Our neighbours look well dodgy, lets ask them to put their criminal records to good use!”.
Danielle goes and asks the neighbours for help while I help matters by laying face down on the bonnet of the van. Luckily for us - actually, Incredibly lucky for us a sheriff is on his nightly patrol passes by and Danielle comically runs down the road after his car waving her hands and shouting while I watch on and walk slowly down with arms folded in a moody way.
Deputy Sheriff Bradly Meister takes a while to come out of his patrol car but he emerges with a big thin plastic stick and then warns us that the whole thing is being recorded and asks us to verbally confirm that we will not sue him for any damage he might cause to the vehicle. We both say we won’t and then within two seconds he has the driver’s door open without causing any damage.. It worried me that it was that easy to do!
Anyway. The whole ordeal only lasted 5 minutes and it could have been a lot worse.
I’m pleased to say that I didn’t shout or get upset as the fact of the matter was that it was an accident and no one was to blame.
We then spent the rest of the night being bothered by a skunk which would have been a fitting end to the day if we’d have been sprayed by the little shit.

9) Danielle locking the keys in the van
- Sorry, Had I already mentioned that point?

10) Danielle spilling Pickle juice and olives all over the inside of the Van
She admitted to it. She didn’t have to as I would never have known or guessed.. I’ve got to praise her for her honesty!

11) saying goodbye at the airport.
It’s never easy to do.. The journey back to the Campsite listening to Band of Horses was a long and lonely one.

That’ll do for now, I’ve got some more driving to do.

I'm going to sort out some more photos this week.. Probably do some work on that tonight and upload them before the end of the week... You'll have to be patient.

Cheerio
X

I wasn't going to blog again until the end of the week but as i'm waiting for photos to upload I thought I might as well right up South Dakota and the drive to get there.

My Photos of Quebec and Ontario, The Great Lakes region and South Dakota should have uploaded by the time I finish this.

As I said before, I drove around about 700 miles across farmland until I reached South Dakota where, for the next 200 miles, It was fairly flat and farmy. For hundreds of miles there had been billboards advertising such wonderful places such as 'The Corn Palace' - a building made completely out of Corn; this I had to see! It also featured exhibits such as 'Corn-tempory' art. Over the hundreds of miles, I started to imagine this fantastic masterpiece painstakingly put together with cobs of corn neatly stacked together like bricks (after all, this is what they had advertised). The truth was slightly different. It was in fact a building which was currently having corn stapled to it by a couple of workmen while fending off the hungry birds, surrounded by hundreds of tat shops. Not even after such a long journey was I in awe at the ONLY corn palace in the whole wide world.

The strange thing was when you hit the Missouri river because directly on the West banks, the landscape changes and it starts to have a few more contours again. I soon reached the Badlands which is a landscape that has probably been used in thousands of Sci-fi films because it really is so alien, expecially compared to what else is nearby. I wonder how many Star Trek episodes this area has appeared in. Probably more than the klingons, I bet.

Next was the Black hills. This area is famous for a number of things. Firstly and foremostly, it's a very spiritual area for the Sioux indians and other surrounding Native American tribes and an area of outstanding natural beauty, secondly it was one of the main 'Gold rush' areas which the white settlers forceably took from the Native Americans after promising them they wouldn't. Thirdly there's a monument called Mount Rushmore here. fourthly there's also another monument being built commemorating Crazy Horse which will be about 10 times the size of Mount Rushmore but due to lack of funds and workers (It's independent and so doesn't receive federal funds - not that they would accept it) it will take about another 50 years to complete (it was started in 1948 and only the face was finished in 1998). It's also worth pointing out that i asked in the local town what sites i should see in the area and no-one mentioned this monument, when I asked a waitress about it, she recommended me not paying and just going to have a look over the fence as there isn't much to see. I beg to differ. It's well worth the money and the entrance fee also includes entry to the Native American Cultural centre.
Fifthly, Wounded Knee is in the southern part of this area and this is where the famous massacre of Native Americans occurred in 1890. The short version of the story is that a soldier tried to take a gun off a deaf, mute indian and it accidently went off causing the Army to then fire and kill hundreds of Men, women and children without any mercy.

I met some interesting people here too. I met a member of the Oglala Indian tribe who told me some interesting facts about the area and about how people are educated in Native American History (not so well). As he rightly said, the people who record the history are the winners. He made me coffee and explained how the Indian Reservations work out here (There are 4 major Indian reservations in South Dakota) and some interesting legends with regards to the Black Hills and Devil's Tower which is nearby.

I also met a professional Jazz drummer in a Cowboy disguise (that was his words). We chatted Politics, War, Native American history and music (as you do) for over an hour. He was half lebanese but had been bought up in America and it was refreshing to talk to an American openly and frankly about the State we are all in and to hear his views on the problems in the middle east.
- I also got to say to him that I thought General Custer was a complete and utter evil bastard who has no right to be remembered as some kind of hero. I'm pleased to say that he agreed with me 100% but warned me not say that round here (we were in Custer state park after all and I did have coffee in a town called Custer earlier that day).

Oh, yes and I went to Mount Rushmore, It is quite an amazing feat. You've got to go if you are in the area although I wish i'd just stood outside, looked over the fence and taken photos rather than pay to get in.

Next stop is Yellowstone park which I hope to arrive at later this afternoon. I'm currently in a town called Gillette in Wyoming which was the first town in about 200 miles. When I say 'town', it has at least 1000 people living here. I'm on a table in a internet cafe sitting next to a table of local attorneys. They do not look in the least bit like experts in law, it must be said. They are currently talking about pepper-spraying people and how fun it is. I think now is the time to leave.

Ta ra x

I’m now in Montana. Last night I stayed at an isolated campsite where the only other people there were a father and daughter on a hunting vacation; “Nice weather for shooting!” I said enthusiastically. “It sure is!” came back the reply. The daughter must have been about 13 but had her own shotgun. We chatted briefly and they told me they hoped to shoot a black bear this year. “Well, good luck!” I said.. My voice got a bit croaky and it came out in a squeaky high pitch tone. I repeated myself in my normal beautiful baritone voice and they shot me a funny look but then the father smiled, nodded his head, spat on the floor and wiped his mouth in the most stereotypical way imaginable.
We sat in our adjacent campsites the rest of the night. I tapped away on my laptop while they polished their shotguns. In a way, we both had weapons of destruction.

This Morning I drove into Great Falls, sitting outside a Video shop that has Wi-Fi. I was followed by a police patrol Car for about 10 miles on my way in. Just as they turned their lights on and it looked like they were going to pull me over, A motorbike Whizzed passed the other way at well over 100mph and so they quickly lost interest in me and my New Jersey Licence Plate. Anyway, Montana seems a little strange and isolated compared to the other places I have been so far, especially compared to tourist heavy Yellowstone Park. I can see why the state is popular with Separatists, survivalists and people paranoid about government conspiracies.

Anyway, I’ve just been to Yellowstone park so here is a rundown of what I did:

I had the most amazing drive to into the park. I passed over the Big Horn mountains (close to where Custer had his last stand - i.e. he chased a load of women and children not knowing that the biggest ever concentration of Sioux warriors were also camped just round the corner and were about to teach him a lesson) and through to Yellowstone. The park is actually the biggest active volcano in the world.. I’m glad it didn’t go off while I was there.
By the time I’d found somewhere to sleep, it was dark. The next day I went to the area of the park that is famous for it’s geysers. I saw Old faithful put on a magnificent show as well as a host of others. Someone had told me that ‘Daisy’ was well worth watching and a warden told me it was predicted to go off at 11:15. I arrived around about this time and sat and waited. And I waited. It actually didn’t go off for over 2 hours as little did I know that the warden had got it wrong. I met some other people there. I chatted to a father and daughter from Colorado who were also on a road trip. We got on really well as we sat there and waited and they even offered to share the Campsite with me if I didn’t find anywhere (I did, in the end). Soon, some other people turned up, it would be typical for the thing to erupt now that all these people had turned up. In fact, these people were actually Geyser-spotters who found it rather hilarious in a very smug way that we had sat there for 2 hours. “You can’t go by the average times here, It’s the median which you use to predict when they go off”. They were right. They knew exactly when it would go off. It turned out that there was a bunch of them dotted around watching and predicting all the geysers and they even had there own walkie-talkies which they all shouted down triumphantly when a geyser erupted and then they all jotted the times down in their notebooks so they could predict the next eruption. They were from all over the Country and they had met on the internet and they religiously spent their summer holidays in Yellowstone. I said to them that they were like the Yellowstone equivalent of train-spotters but all I got was blank expressions from them. I then explained to them what train-spotters were (it was obviously an ‘English’ thing) but I don’t think they were that impressed with the comparison. Anyway, they gave me some times of some other predictions of their’s and I then thanked them and headed on my way. By the end of the day, it was safe to say I was ‘Geysered out’.

The next day I trekked up Mount Washburn. 4 miles each way. It was a pretty tiring and I half expected to be congratulated by members of ZZ Top when I reached the summit through my delirium. The views were worth it and I also met some fellow English tourists on the way down. They were from Woking (that’s in Surrey) and we both commented on the fact that we hadn’t met any other English tourists and chuckled that everyone asked if we were Australian first. After the trek I drove on out for some more wildlife spotting. I saw Buffalo (you can’t miss them), Pelicans, Cranes, Elk, deer, Ground squirrels, Chipmunks, Osprey’s and….. Wait for it… a BEAR! - it was a grizzly. It was about a quarter of a mile away near some bison and so my pictures weren’t super clear but I was pleased to see one. I nearly didn’t spot it. I went to bed happy but wished it had been a bit closer.

I got up the next day and the plan was to drive up to the North Exit, taking in some more Wildlife before heading out into Montana and Camping in the Lewis and Clarke Forest, which I did. I didn’t plan on the bear-fest that I got on the way. I saw the same bear I saw the day before (according to the warden) which was less than 100 metres away this time. I passed the mountain I climbed the day before and then saw another grizzly with 2 cubs through a gentleman’s binoculars which he’d been tracking since 6am. I watched them for about 30 minutes before heading 5 minutes down the road to be flagged down by a warden who let me know that a black bear was sleeping under a tree which, again I watched for 30 minutes whilst it slept and comically rolled over occasionally to give us a funny a look before continuing it’s afternoon nap. I stopped off at Mammoth Springs for some more scenic shots before exiting the park and heading off into Montana.

After my yellowstone photos have uploaded i'm heading north into the Blackfeet Indian Reserve before camping in Glacier National Park for a couple of nights.

So there you go, technically I have now lived with bears. I told you I would.

This Photo shows the moment I came face to face with a bear. I’d seen plenty of bears, a wolf, a bald eagle and lots of elk from the safety of the Van but this time I was on foot with only my dry wit and cunning as a weapon. I’d decided to follow a hiking trail near Lake Maligne to see if I could get a good aerial view of the area. I’d walked along this path for a while and there were obvious signs of bears in the vicinity such as scratch marks on trees and lots of bear poo. Suddenly he appeared in front of me and we both stopped dead and just looked at each other. I’m not sure how long we stood there; without wanting to sound too profound and hippy-traveller-like, it seemed like an eternity but it couldn’t have been longer than a minute. I slowly raised my camera and took one shot before slowly raising my hands and waving so as to make myself look big and menacing to the bear (don’t laugh - I learnt this in bear school); This worked and the bear turned round and ran off. I was both exhilarated and scared at the same time. I decided that the hike should stop there and so I returned to my van, pleased that I’d got a good picture of the bear and also happy that it wasn’t a grizzly that I’d encountered. Anyway, that’s another anecdote I have to impress people at dinner parties. I can already imagine Ricky, Mat, Caroline or Neil shouting “Glenn! Glenn! Tell us your bear story again!”

I’m now in a town called Hope in British Columbia and it is straight out of a David Lynch film. A small town with a gas station, 2 motels, a coffee shop (where I am now) surrounded by Mountains encompassed by low-lying cloud with the added bonus that all the locals stare at you menacingly. I might not leave here for a while. If the locals have their way, I might not ever leave.

Since my last blog, I’ve travelled up through Montana back into Alberta Canada before heading out to the west coast in B.C. I’ve even had the pleasure of recreating (nearly) Eddie ‘the Eagle’ Edwards finest moment in Calgary which was on my ‘must do’ list. Believe it or not, everyone knows who he is. This is also quite upsetting really when you really think about it. Did you know that he has also released two singles in Norway??

OK, Here are some highlights, lowlights and other comments and observations that I’ve made recently:

1) Getting caught in a blizzard 2 days after being burnt to a frazzle in Yellowstone.

This was quite surreal; I was in Waterton National park just over the Canadian border. The cloud was very low and I’d met a couple from Utah and we were taking it in turns to make anti-bear noises as we were in prime grizzly area. Anti-bear noises mainly consists of whelps and screams but I took to singing ’Don’t worry baby’ by the Beach Boys to brighten things up. Suddenly it started snowing really hard and the summer weather I’d been used to seemed like a long time ago as winter temporarily took hold again.

2) Insulting a Mountie

I finally met a Mountie in Banff. He had a Microphone and was answering questions from American tourists and he was wearing the full uniform. My cynical outlook and the fact that I hadn’t yet seen a Mountie in 6 weeks got the better of me and so I had to ask him; “Are you really a Mountie?”. There were gasps from the other tourists and even a shout of “Shame on you!” before the Mountie answered calmly “For 22 years, admittedly I’m here on public relations so not on full duty anymore but I can assure you I am!” - I felt bad now and so I explained to him why I asked this question which was due to the fact we hadn’t seen a Mountie throughout the whole of Canada yet which he did understand but the rest of the audience were still not impressed with me. A lot of them even went up and shook the Mountie’s hand and told him what a good job he was doing which I felt was for the benefit of making me feel even worse than I already did.

3) The Hot springs in Banff being filled up with hot water from tap.

As far as I knew this was true. The hot springs had dried up last year and so the people who ran the springs had resulted to using just plain hot water so as to keep the Health Spa open. Again, I didn’t really plan on using the Springs but I had to go and ask them whether they were still using the Hot water tap. Everyone I asked was really cagey with me and kept referring me to someone else to ask. In the end, a guy who worked in the Souvenir shop explained that they had indeed been using the Hot water tap but the springs had started running again when the snowmelt started running down the hills last month and so they were able to stop using the Hot tap although they were expecting the springs to run dry again this winter. After this, I decided that I’d insulted enough people in Banff and so I’d better leave the area and move on to another Town before I’m chased out by angry locals.

4) Toilets are lower and water level is higher

This makes it impossible to be quiet when going for a wee. I hate people being able to hear me going but there’s no escaping it here on this continent.

5) Roadkill

It’s amazing what wildlife you can see squashed and dead on the sides of the roads. I’ve seen porcupines, Skunks, racoons, deer, chipmunks, squirrels, Mink, geese, marmots and various other small birds. I nearly added ducks to this list when a mother duck led her 5 little ducklings right out in front of my van. I screeched to a halt just in time and moved to the Hard shoulder so they could carry on crossing but without warning, the mother suddenly turned round and headed back. My bonnet obscured my view so it was a tense few seconds until all five ducklings and the Mother appeared again, clambering up the bank. Laws of probability mean that I’m likely to hit something. One duck I could probably handle but killing 2 generations of ducks in one go would have left me inconsolable.

6) Bugs on Windscreen

I’ve got used to having to clean my windscreen every couple of hours as bugs the size of my thumb thump and explode all over my windscreen leaving a strange kind of white sticky residue behind which gets worse if you try to use your windscreen wipers to remove.

7) People driving and talking on their mobile phones.

It annoys me as a pedestrian in London when I see people on their mobile phones whilst trying to turn corners in their 4x4’s. It’s not even illegal here though and people think nothing of tailgating you and then overtaking you at 100mph whilst telling the person on the other end of the line something mundane and pointless such as “Yeah, I’m in my car, on the motorway, I’ll probably be there early or not at all as I’ll be dead because I’m driving like a moron.

8) having dinner with people from Montana and getting to bless the dinner

This happened on my second night in Montana. This extended family on their vacation invited me to join them for dinner. I was glad of the company and so I headed over to eat their potatoes (I didn’t really fancy Elk) and then Arnie the Grandfather blessed the meal before asking whether, as their special guest, if there was anything I’d like to add to the blessing. “Ermmmmmmmmmmmm, yes” - I couldn’t possibly turn this opportunity down. “Thank you Jesus for this meal and Glacier National Park where we are able to come and enjoy this world you created” everyone nodded in agreement; I was enjoying this! “AND, I’d also like to bless this family for inviting me to join them for dinner”; Everyone smiled and nodded. “AND” before I could bless the fish, elk and Potato everyone quickly said “Amen” which was probably a good thing before I went over the top, but it was my first blessing and I can’t imagine getting to do another one for a while. Actually, now I think about it. If anyone would like a blessing from me then please feel free to email me and I shall send you very own personalised blessing. Amen.

9) I still haven’t seen a moose
Ok, be like that.. You and Wolverines can GO TO HELL. Amen.

10) Bear Jams

A Bear Jam is when there is a traffic jam because people have stopped in the road to take pictures of a bear that has got too close to a road. Now, I can understand people being excited about seeing a wild bear BUT there’s a time and place for it. For instance, 2 days ago, I was driving along a busy highway when suddenly everything started screeching to a halt and it looked like there had been an accident up ahead but no, a bear was in the field parallel to the highway and so people had just stopped and parked up on the highway so they could watch and take photos. Some of these morons (there’s that word again) were even getting a bit too close to the bear obviously forgetting what it was.
You see, there’s a reason why wildlife is called ‘wildlife’. in fact there are two clues in that word for you. If a bear gets use to humans because they forget that it’s a wild animal then it is more likely to attack. If it attacks a human, then it’ll more than likely get destroyed which seems a little unfair to me. Also, stopping your motorised vehicles on a busy highway is also likely to cause a road accident. As I drove past, I wound down my window and shouted “I hope rips your bloody face off, you idiots” as this once sentence quickly summed up this whole paragraph of an explanation.

That’ll do for now.